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The last week has been testing to say the least. Being told that my lump will be nothing to being told that indeed it is a something. The tests, the waiting, the worrying. I have wanted to scream and cry and yell and punch something. But I figured that those things just waste energy, something that I am in short supply of at the moment so I may as well conserve the emotion and use it for good instead.
I moved into today confident that my results would be good and that the new plan would be trying but doable. I was realistic I had researched Richard and I had spent time discussing options and we knew where we were headed.
We met with my surgeon this morning. He is a kind and cautious man, very respected in his field and we trust him.
My PET/CT Scans were clear - hallelujah. It's all good except for of course the pesky new lump that started this latest scurry.
We spent some time discussing the hows and whys and he admitted that my team had met that morning and gone back over everything and had all left the meeting none the wiser.
He then outlined a course of agressive surgeries and treatments that would take me well and truly into another 18 months.
I tell you my heart stopped. I'm all for a good fight I had read up but even so I didn't see half of this coming. Richard was in more shock than me.
We heard the words "chemo resistant tumour"
Seriously? I'm not sure there are too many combinations of words that are any scarier.
I didn't cry though I came close at one point and he could tell he was not my friend.
We signed papers, looked at pictures, read reports, had more scans, made more appointments and left without knowing what else to say.
I rang my family and a couple of close friends and gave them the good news - no more tumours and allowed them the 30 seconds of joy that I had had then I coupled it with the not so good. They did more crying and swearing than me.
I rang the cancer council and said help I have had enough and I think I need to talk to someone. They were fabulous.
I drank coffee. I needed to drink wine but it was too early in the day.
I paced and ignored the how did you go tweets, texts and emails. ( I'm sorry )
Rchard just kept watching me I think he was worried I was going to lose it LOL.
At 4.00pm my surgeon rang.
He said they had all met again because it's just not sitting right with him and the pathologist had rerun the pathology too as it wasnt sitting right with him either and the bottom line is they wanted to change the plan.
My heart stopped for the second time that day.
So Monday I am heading in for surgery to remove the lump in its entirety - and to check for clear margins - they won't do any lymph removal at this stage and we will wait until they know what the beast really is before progressing.
He said not to get my hopes up the 18 months is still on the table but he will know more after Monday.
I won't have another medical update until after Monday. I'm going to pop this story away and concentrate for the next few days on my sister being here. I'll only be in hospital a day or two - Mel will give you a wee update after I am out of surgery as Richard still cannot drive my blog.
Light candles, cross everything, send your positive thoughts and please pray.
Thank you for your support and for continuing to walk with me.
