One of the things I have learnt on this cancer journey is that every time you think you have it nailed it turns around and leads you in a different way.
We are a planning family- we always have been - being a Mumma of twins makes you a planner I think - But I was a planner before those little girls came along.
The ONE thing that keeps me going through all this is understanding where I am going - what's first, what's next, what's happening.
And now it's not.
The plan was for me to have neoadjuvant chemo
Definition:-
Neoadjuvant therapy is treatment given before primary therapy. A woman may receive neoadjuvant chemotherapy for breast cancer to shrink a tumor that is inoperable in its current state, so it can be surgically removed.
If a tumor does not respond (shrink) or continues to grow during neoadjuvant chemotherapy, the doctor may stop treatment and try another type of chemotherapy or perform surgery instead, depending on the stage of the cancer.
Today I met with my surgeon to see how far we had progressed after three grueling rounds of neoadjuvant chemo.
My Dr ran late and I waited an hour and half - sick - Richard got called away and as luck would have it I ended up in the appointment by myself. Thank the Lord for Mel who held me by text as I waited the last half hour by myself.
It wasn't good to hear. It wasn't good to have to tell Richard.
There was no cab to get me home so I waited teary another 45 minutes in the waiting room after hearing before the kind receptionists snugged me up in pink blankets in the physio room and we waited for Richard to come back.
Chemo for me is feral feral feral. My oncologist wanted to postpone last round because I was still so ill but I wanted to push ahead no point delaying I said I'm going to be sick anyhow.
All of that is doable for good results but there are none. The scan showed the tumour has changed shape ( which according to my Dr means little) and has decreased by 0.25cm.
That's a 1/4 of a centimeter. If you look on a ruler it's not very much.
I know cause I keep looking and thinking surely after all this feral there has to be more than that.
And in Drs terms it's not - it's negligible - it's nothing it's no shrinkage.
I asked -surely that's good that its smaller?
He said no that's not classed as shrinkage.
I said but won't it shrink more over time?
He said not likely.
So now what I asked.
His recommendation is that we keep going more chemo despite the no shrinkage - two more rounds. ( not three )
Why if its not helping? Because this is your only chance on this regime and we want to be sure that we have given it everything we can.
He has sent his recommendations to my oncologist who I meet with on Tuesday.
He may change the plan.
His parting words were I'm sorry that this is so tough.
Just as aside so I keep some perspective a message to the beautiful 20ish year old who also sat alone beside me in a world of pain that I understand only too well, holding scans waiting to hear her story. I'm so sorry I was lost in my own grief I couldn't reach out to you. I'm constantly reminded despite how tough it is for me it could always be worse.
and so we keep holding on and praying. Waiting waiting waiting.
