Not happy - just warning you in advance so you may want to just skip on through. Happy posts will continue I promise.
This round my oncologist assured it me would be easier. He's German and says it how it is. I trust him.
He lied.
It's not easier in actual fact it was harder. It is harder.
And what's worse is knowing I still have to front back again in 6 days.
It all starts out so doable. Thursday last week I felt well I knew what would happen and I had my sister by my side as the chemo flowed through me.
Thursday evening the nausea and exhaustion fell on me in one foul swoop. It was literally within minutes of getting home. I could not move. To describe it as nausea and exhaustion is just not even it but there's no other way to explain that your body has been hit by a mac truck. It's not tiredness its this bone weary exhaustion as your body battles the poison running through you.
Struggled through Thursday night and morning saw some relief.
I was hopeful. I loved my oncologist he was right.
It was my birthday life was good. Taking it very gently Richard took me out for green tea. I tentatively tried a crepe and was thrilled I could taste it and I felt ok.
We laughed about how it's the little things and how much better this was.
I felt I could do it. We returned home.
Wham back to the cycle. It was instant. Nausea, headaches, body aches, racing heart breathlessness, exhaustion, this round threw in nose bleeds. There should be some rule if you don't get a side effect first time round you shouldn' t get it at all.
Friday night I struggled through and blew out candles and smiled for the girls. There was no cake for me.
Saturday more of the same staying horizontal hoping for a better Sunday.
Sunday determined not to let this beat me I battled through church and a trip to the shops. Friends visited with cake and gifts. I so wanted to see them. Sunday night was horrendous we put it down to I'm doing too much.
Monday spent the day resting. It's a funny word resting. It's not sleeping there is no sleeping. It's just lying down and your eyes are closed you can hear everything and feel everything there is no relief.
You want to get up you want to do things but you can't. I ran out of anti nausea pills and had to trek into my onc to get more. How you doing? they asked. Through the worst of it no? I smiled I think so I replied praying I was but knowing full well I wasn't.
Tuesday I had 5 hours real sleep and I thought this is it I've turned the corner. And then I moved.
The day was spent resting in preparation for an event at school.
Getting ready was a mammoth effort. We nearly turned back. Arriving so good to see everyone the people though and noise and lights were like a thousand pins shooting through me. 2 hours later and I was carried back into the house. Again we said just doing too much. I cried that night too much its ridiculous I got dressed and sat at an afternoon tea it's not too much.
Wednesday such an important day my girls were receiving awards. My job was to show up and look like Mumma. That required wearing my wig which I haven't been able to because if the sensitivity of my head and headaches. I knew I needed to rest all day to get through the afternoon. So I did.
I wanted them to have a gift for doing so well so I talked Richard into taking me to the store for 20 minutes. The deal was I could get partly dressed go to the store and then rest for an hour and finish getting dressed. I ran into friends they said I look great. I smiled and said thanks getting there.
I lied. I wasn't doing great.
On our way I looked right. I fought the waves of illness and pressed my hand against my head to keep the headache at bay.
An hour of half of presentations so lovely I got lost in the excitement and loved every second. My grandparents sat beside me -they haven' t seen me since this started. We have strict rules about the people who come into our home at the moment. It's hard I want to see people. I'm a people person but we have to. They said I looked good. They were relieved. I didn't tell them.
We planned on celebrating at Maccas straight afterwards. They wanted to come home and have cake and coffee. In normal times we would have but now it requires too much work.
Buy cake, get out cups, smell the coffee, keep it together, sit, talk - too hard
As I sat at Maccas I felt myself fade. I gave Richard the signal we'd been there 20 minutes. But already it was too late. I couldn't get up. He carried me to the car. I rested for 2 hours and moved then to try to sew the badges they had received onto the girls uniforms ready for the next day.
They wanted me to and I wanted to do it for them. One hour later and I had managed two of the six. My eyes can't see to thread and I have no strength in my hands. A call from friends to say they wanted to bring the girls hot chocs and tell them how fabulous they were (because they had had to work and missed the ceremony) was welcome. As I sat dozing sipping hot chocolate- my friend sat stitching.
The inevitable you're doing too much take it easier it will get better.
Thursday I rested all day in bed not even at the couch. Moving only to shower. I skipped anti nausea pills thinking I'm moving past it I'm there.
Then night kicked me back to where I was. Richard said you've had a good day good resting let's go for icecream. I knew I shouldn't but we did for 20 minutes. Another tough night resting no sleep.
And now it's 6.00am Friday morning Day 8. If I move it has to be slow. I have heat packs snugged in around me trying to dull the pain. Another day and I'm hopeful with more rest I'll have turned the corner.
Richard's trying to work through this. He takes meetings as he hands me cold cloths for my head. Hes functioning on snatches of 4 hrs sleep - fitful at best as hes on a spare mattress in the loungeroom so as not to disturb me and he sets his alarm to dole out my meds in the correct intervals. He works for NZ so his working day starts at 5.00-am interrupted by me and then the inevitable get the girls off to school.
My work has said you must be bored knowing too well how I used to pack my days. I long to be bored. Long for it. I'm barely holding on.
I received texts and emails and offers of coffee dates and movies and lunches - I so want to do those things but right now it's not happening.
I hope by writing this that murphys law will kick in and I'll feel great all of a sudden.
Thank goodness for twitter and blogs my days are spent with my phone and iPad keeping me connected and holding on.
day by day ....
