Just when I thought it was safe to start heading in a new direction the Lord had other plans for me. I tell you some days it's pretty hard not to question but I don't. I know in my heart I am walking where he wants me to walk and it will all be what it is supposed to be. Just quietly - I STILL DON'T LIKE IT! Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn? Is that the purpose?
Thursday I headed to my oncologist for a routine check in. I almost cancelled - actually I tried to cancel and they said no. Now that I think back on that the light bulb should have switched on.
I went by myself as I wasn't expecting any ground breaking news.
I love my oncologist - I honestly do. He says it how it is. I always know where I stand with him. And he has me sized up pretty well. I'm usually there about 5 - 10 minutes tops regardless of the news he has to deliver. He is matter of fact. I like that. I do.
This session he started with you look great how are you feeling? I say great. But he has always started all our meetings with that - I think it's oncologist speak. He then continued with bloods are clear everything is wonderful you are in remission still. I was smiling I remember because they are such good words to hear.
He then says without skipping a beat, so Tamar now it's time to move into our next round of treatment.
I'm all done. I'm all cooked. I've been poisoned for 8 months. I've been pumped full of medication and antibiotics. I've endured 5 surgerys. I've been burnt to a crisp. I'm done.
Remember right back at the very very beginning he says? Umm no? I don't remember anything before the words you are in remission I say.
He says yes you do. Your original biopsy showed that your cancer was estrogen postive. I want to treat you for that.
Huh ? But we've been treating for triple negative for the last 11 months!!!!! I want to scream. Like really scream.
I know he says. That was the right course of action then but now I want to head down this path.
He tells me he watches the numbers and plays wth statistics. I'm not text book. I never have been. I'm tricky he tells me. He wants to cross all the ts and dot all the i's just in case.
He tells me I'm strong and I can do it.
So he gives me three choices.
1. Tamoxifen - which he then quickly rules out when he remembers that I am the blood clot queen.
So then he says make that two choices.
1. an Oophorectomy
2. do nothing and wait and see what develops.
Seriously? Both choices suck. I know that's not a really good word. But they do. I don't like either. What if I do nothing and something happens? It's on my head. What if I take option 1 and the side effects are particularly unmanageable for a good quality of life?and there is no guarantee that it will stop anything happening anyhow.
I'm cross and confused and I don't want to play this game anymore.
He sent me away to think. I have some more appointments later next week with my everyday GP to talk it through and a gynaecologist - weighing up the options.
Ultimately I have to decide and walk the walk which ever road I take. I'm praying for guidance that I make the right decision for my family and for me.
Cancer sucks. It's never over. I'm finding it hard at the moment too because my biggest sounding boards are both away - Paul and Rhonda are in the UK and Margie is in Vegas. They better both be bringing me back good pressies while I'm here by myself making these sucky choices.
I know I said the suck word again, sorry about that.
In happier news- here is my best top 5
- I have solved the clean eating bread issue and I'll share that this week
- The girls are on camp from tomowrrow for three whole days
- I started back training on Saturday at gym
- Richard and I have got lots of cool plans for the next few days and I'm so excited about them all.
- oh and the biggest YAY - I'm going back to work for Term 4 - just two days CAN'T WAIT
Tamar x x